The Rules of Reality

We Could've Had a V8!

Lately we’ve seen a major shift in the general public’s attitude toward reality television. The people we were once enamored with have become like bile in the mouth of entertainment. Public outcry against the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta and The Jersey Shore have ushered in this era of annoyance with reality television. The latest headlines include Star Jones’ call to action against Evelyn Lozada and the women of Basketball Wives, a show produced by Shaunie O’Neal (NBA great Shaquille O’Neal’s ex-wife), in the form of a petition to remove the show and it’s face-slapping, water-throwing antics off the air.

Over on E!, Kim Kardashian has amassed great fortune and fame from reality tv, but she is still most famous for the pornographic footage which she recorded, released for pay, and subsequently asked everyone to pretend never existed. The pornographic recording made her a household name and her expensive and monetarily beneficial marriage to the NBA’s Kris Humphries, which ended 72 days later per Kardashian’s request, is threatening to take her delicate name out of household’s everywhere and her pretty face out of Hollywood’s Elite Society (So elite that I capitalized it). But people get divorced all the time. How could this be the thing which is bringing Kardashian down, whereas it seems to be bringing people like Atlanta Housewife NeNe Leakes into another realm of sustainable stardom, also known as real acting parts?

Here is where willwriteforlove does the reality stars and reality star wannabes a free favor and breaks down the rules of reality. Because if you’re going to play the game, you had better not to foul out.

Rule #1:

Don’t become famous from a sex tape/porn.

Here’s why: If you have to stoop to the level of degradation where self-esteem is as real as a unicorn and where the idea to make a public sex tape is conceived, the chances that you have any discernible talent hover slightly above zero percent. And if you have no discernible talent you 1) shouldn’t be famous 2) won’t be able to hold onto fame for very long nor use it to it’s full extent (Although Kardashian is giving it a really good effort) 3) won’t be able to bounce back when people do tire of you because you have no discernible talent to reacquaint us with, unless of course you want to make another sex tape.

Need proof: See Paris Hilton.

Editor’s note: I believe everyone has talent, but very few find and utilize their talent. That’s another post entirely.

100% chance that she made someone cry in her heyday.

Rule #2:

Don’t be a bully.

Here’s why: There is a nation-wide campaign going on against bullying. It has gotten real in, not the streets, but the school playgrounds. Kids are taking their own lives over their peers' blatantly preventable behavior that spawns from a number of factors with the most important factor being piss-poor parenting. No exceptions. So when the viewer turns on the television and sees a bunch of over-30 women clawing at each other, stealing from each other, and putting dead fish in each others’ hotel rooms, the reason for America’s sudden rebellion toward reality tv becomes apparent.

Proof: In order to give you proof I would have to suggest that you watch a show like this. Out of respect for you, I'll decline. Just take my word for it.

Rule #3:

Don’t oversaturate your market, unless you’re famous by way of sex-tape or foolishness, in which case you had better saturate the market until it bleeds because you don’t get a second shot. Again, see Paris Hilton. And in about six months, see Kim Kardashian as well.

So much family bonding. So little music recording.

If you’re famous by actual talent and just happen to be on a reality tv show (Jessica Simpson, LaLa Anthony, Brandy), it would be best for you to either use your reality tv appearances as a quick stimulus for your career and not as a career itself. Reality television is not code for “stop doing what we made you famous for”. It’s code for “scripted television which we watch despite its utter lack of interesting elements because the TV Writer’s Strike made reality tv shows reproduce like mutant rabbits and now we can’t get rid of the crap.” Bummer.

Proof: Brandy Norwood.

Rule #4:

Diversify your market. Different from don’t oversaturate your market because over-saturation is concentration in one area. Willwriteforlove’s advice is that if you’re a singer or actor on a reality show, come out with a fingernail polish line. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t matter what you come out with, just make sure you call it a LINE. Clothing line. Perfume line. Corn Chip Line. Fast Food Line. It really doesn’t make a difference; the fact that you already have enough talent and fans to have gotten a reality show (this assumes you have both) means that you can push new and exciting products to those fans and see a profit as well as a crossover into a new fan base.

Proof: Jessica Simpson. 

Rule #5:

Get out alive. Not physically alive, although that would be preferable, but brand alive. The only reasons anyone should consider doing a reality show are the following:

1)      You have talent. Discernible, marketable, proven (by sales) talent.

2)      The fans of your talent have been BEGGING you for a chance to peek into your life.

3)      You are not happily married (because a reality show will end that in a New York minute).

It was cute while it lasted.

4)      You do not have kids (people will judge your parenting skills and your brand will take a hit).

5)      You want more for yourself than a reality show. If the show is the end and not the means, you’ve missed the point entirely.

Proof: Jessica Simpson for the win.

I can't be the only one who has thought of rules? So what are YOUR rules for reality tv? Let us know in the comments section!

Until the next scene,

♥

Super-Hero Saturday

The Avengers

Every good American summer is started by one element. It’s not grilled burgers or hot dogs. Not even the smell of chlorinated pool. And it’s certainly not melting popsicles. The mark of a good American summer is always an explosive blockbuster. The Avengers is this summer’s proof of existence.

The movie starts out with our friend Nick Fury going into a characteristically calm panic as the S.H.I.E.L.D. is being attacked by Loki, Thor’s brother and would-be heir apparent to the heavenly Asgard throne, and his army which is cherry-picked from Fury’s own troops and coerced into submission by the power of the cosmic cube.  The cube is an almighty energy source which can be manipulated for good or evil to win the world and place it under submission. Fury has to quickly assemble a team that can stand against Loki and his army.

With Pepper Potts’ help, Agent Phil convinces Tony Stark/Iron Man to come into the office for a look at their benefits package. He doesn’t take much convincing, but he is concerned about why the S.H.I.E.L.D., who once told him he was too arrogant and self-centered to be a member, wants him now. What gives? He intends to find out.

Natasha Romanoff (Scarlet Johansson) is trying to find out information from a group of thugs in a warehouse somewhere near Russia. The thugs think they’re holding her captive and torturing her, but she’s really just enduring pain to get information from her talkative captives. Her plans are halted when Agent Phil calls her captive’s cell phone and requests to speak to her. After explaining that the S.H.I.E.L.D. has been compromised, Agent Phil waits on hold as the sultry Romanoff transforms into the fighting beast that is The Black Widow. She breaks her captives in half using the chair she’s tied to as her only weapon and walks away with only a scratched knee to prove that she’s even been in a scuffle.

Romanoff is sent to the Middle East to find a special friend of the S.H.I.E.L.D., Dr. Bruce Banner/The Hulk. Though Dr. Banner is resistant, like all super-humans, he can’t resist the pull of heroism.

Fury himself goes to retrieve American hero Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) to convince him to employ his super strength in order to save the world one more time. Rogers is still dealing with everything that he saw, did, and remembers from the first tour of duty. Fury leaves without him, but he’s confident that the man America calls Captain won’t let the world die on his watch.

Now that the team is assembled, they find Loki’s whereabouts and go gettum. Once they’ve captured him and put him on the air-ship, thunder sounds. Loki winces, and Stark asks him if he’s afraid of a little lightening. Loki replies, “I’m not particularly fond of what follows.” As he says it, a Thor sized hole is ripped into the roof. Thor grabs his half-brother, inciting Iron Man’s rage. As Iron Man’s arrogance leads him to follow Thor, Captain America commands, “We need to plan an attack.” Iron man replies, “I have a plan: ATTACK!”

Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America have a super-hero showdown in the middle of a forest. After leveling the wooded area, they give up on the pissing contest and take Loki in. Thor joins their ranks where the Avengers debrief him on just how crazy Loki is. Thor defends Loki: “I care what you call him. Loki is an Asgardian and my brother.” Romanoff reminds him, “He just killed 80 people” to which Thor replies, “He is adopted.” Little moments of comedy bring the film to a fun place in the midst of a war.

The film continues as a battle and eventual war between good and evil. We know how these things end, with victory for good and the hint at a sequel, but it wasn’t about the ending for The Avengers. The awesome-sauce of this film was peppered with the background stories of each of the Avengers and how their personalities and credos played into their fight. They each had a reason why they wouldn’t want to help. For the Black Widow, her ledger was already red. She wanted to wipe the blood off. Somehow it would seem that more killing wouldn’t help, but killing for the right cause fit into her beliefs and, therefore, into this fight. Iron Man’s need to figure everything out leads him to uncover a truth about S.H.I.E.L.D. which leads the team into an in-house battle. They must overcome their own hang-ups if America and the world ever has a fighting chance. In the end, the question isn’t whether or not good overcomes evil but can good overcome itself?

As the introductory summer blockbuster, The Avengers has set the bar as high as the Avengers air-convoy. And the box offices numbers show it. The film has projected to take in $500 million worldwide through Sunday, May 6, 2012. If you’re among those contributing to that number, prepare to feel like you finally got your money’s worth. Welcome to summer!

Until the next scene,

♥

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